surviving my mind

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this post was originally going to be a cute little photo for instagram at two in the morning about an epiphany i had, but my caption ended up getting a little too long… so here i am at two in the morning writing a blogpost.

goodbye, writer’s block!!!!!!!!!!! (finally)

back to my epiphany:

or maybe it was just a lightbulb that went off in my head when i was reading one of the seven books i checked out from the library.

i am my own worst critic.

yeah, yeah, yeah, khaliyah. everyone knows this!”

but do you really, though? do you understand the imaginary standards you hold yourself to? do you understand how much damage you do to yourself when you talk negatively to/about yourself?

i don’t think we understand how detrimental we are being to our own mental health. talking negatively to ourselves leads to us tearing ourselves down from the inside.

it is like a virus that takes over the operating system on a computer… or a cancer cell that takes over the body… or a traitor letting the most powerful army of people get defeated — from the inside.

lately, i’ve been in a mood. i have no idea where it came from and how i so easily found myself just sulking. i, honestly, was so mean to everyone around me and myself.

i found myself hating almost everything about myself, hating the people around me, hating going to work (and i enjoy my job), and even hating people on the internet i didn’t even know.

i hardly wanted to take a picture of myself because i knew every picture i would’ve taken would come out ugly and end up making me hate myself even more (and that’s just unlike me… how could i, ME, not want to take pictures??????).

i was spiraling. i just wanted to stay in my room (more than i normally do).

i was considering that i had depression…

then the lightbulb went off:

why was i being so hard on myself?

what did i do to deserve this?

why am i comparing myself to others?

what is this idea of perfection that i am trying to attain?

why am i not considered perfect as i am?

yes, i am my own biggest critic… like it or hate it, but i can only compare myself to myself.

no one is like me, no one will be like me, and no one will ever take my place.

once i got that out the way, i hyped myself in the mirror. and yes, you WILL feel silly or stupid. and you WILL ask yourself “why am i doing this?” but if you think about all the time you stand in the mirror and HATE yourself and you revert that to all the time you COULD stand in the mirror and LOVE yourself, you WILL have a different outlook on yourself.

your words are powerful, but your thoughts can kill you.

a quote comes to mind that one of my friends told me:

comparison is the thief of joy.

so with that being said… khaliyah is back and she’s ready to blog *blows smoke from gun and places it back in a super bada$$ thigh gun holster*

did you miss me?

What's your perspective?